For a while now I've felt like my mental state has been deteriorating. When I think back over my memories I realize that it's only a handful that I really know, the rest just come occassionally. Even with those ones that I don't often think about I have no way of knowing if they're real or how much of them are real. I remember them and then wonder if it actually happened or if it was made up. The concerning part is that I've gotten to the point where I don't really care amymore. It's categorized as "I have no way of knowing, so why should I care?" I've found a lot of comfort in religious ideas of gnosticism and pessemistic philosophy and feel that these things have gotten me to a mental place where I can better cope with reality-as-I-percieve-it. For a while now (I'm not sure how long a while actually has been in any of the cases I'm using it) I've felt like I'm likely a schizoid or schizotypal, but I have no desire to be diagnosed with any mental illness or deficiancy and it does not (seriously) hinder my day-to-day life, so I've just accepted it, but I know that the lack of socialization is probably not healthy in the long run. Even though I know and acknowlege this I either refuse to do anything about it or am incapable of doing so. The comfort gnosticism brings is that it allows me to retreat to the comforting idea of Christs redemption without having to delude myself that existence is good. The comfort that pessemistic philosophy brings is vindication that my perception of all creation as unfathomably cruel and awful is not deranged or some symptom of depression or a greater mental illness. I can't help but have all these ideas melt into a vague and erratic glob of drivel that I will put forth now so that in the future I can return to this and document any changes that happen to see if anything alarming appears. We do not exist, we are puppets of a deranged demiurge who was created in error and was created flawed through Sophias rape of the Monad. It is trapped alone and in misery and because it was created flawed he can only create flawed things. All of the physical world, us included, are that demiurge tormenting itself in a perverse act of masturbation. Christ came into this physical world, lived and died pure, to redeem the demiurge in a plan that will one day bring it into the light. There has only ever been one thing in existence and it is that demiurge. The light is a realm of pure and incorruptable ideas that are the source of all things, and is pure math. This is why music is the most holy thing in this world, because it is the purest expression of math we can tangibly experience.
One of the biggest concerns in my life is insulin and it brings me a great deal of stress thinking about the future and how available it will be for me especially as my twenty-sixth birthday nears. I know my mom will make sure I'm able to get it but even with that it worries me a lot. I had always expected to have graduated by now but its not the case and it seems like that won't happen before I turn 26. I have been eating less to conserve it and it seems like that helps a lot. But out of everything this is what makes me wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up the most. The fear of death is the cruelest part of existence in my eyes.